Managing Stress—Part I

Awareness of the Present

The first, and most fundamental aspect of managing excessive stress is increasing one’s ability to become intensely focused on something (almost anything) right now here in the present, in a particular way.  The aspects of that particular way are being as accepting, detached, and non-judgmental as one can be toward whatever it is that one is focused on in the moment.  This means whatever one is focusing on, one is completely accepting of it as it is.  One is not analyzing it, or judging it, or wanting it to be any different than what it is in that moment.  To a large degree, this is an opposite way of being when one is stressed.  When one is stressed, one is in essence concluding that things are not as they “should” be for me.  It is fundamentally the opposite of acceptance and being non-judgmental.  Whatever is happening, one is judging it as not good enough and is basically rejecting, or not accepting it.  A core message one is giving oneself when one is stressed is “I can’t stand this”.  One is also not present focused.  Whatever in the present is not being accepted is being compared unfavorably to how things were in the past, or how they more ideally should be in the future.  In a related manner, being stressed is very often being unable to let go of something that happened in the past, or being unable to stop worrying about what will happen in the future.  Being totally absorbed and accepting of what is happening right now in the present is an important part of managing distress about things that have happened in the past or things that one is worried about in the future.

So one can say “well, dah, any person regardless of level of intelligence knows one is going to be stressed when things are not going his or her way.”    “So the secret to not being stressed is to make sure things are always going ones way, and when it is not, well, then, one will simply get stressed and that’s it.”  I would challenge those who think this way (and many do), to ask themselves how often things are going totally their way and how often they are not.  Simply put, life is very often quite challenging and hardly ever easy, and very often not exactly how we would prefer it to be.  Don’t panic even I find moments when stress gets the best of me.  This is my profession and life intervenes and circumvents my training at times. That is why it can be so stressful.  So do we go around judging as no good and/or rejecting (other ways we reject are through escaping, withdrawing, denying, repressing, avoiding, disliking, or hating) all aspects of life that are not in accord with our liking.  We’d miss out quite a bit of life if we did so and/or we’d spend a good bit of our life living in a bubble.

This has probably come across as a bit insensitive to how stressful things can be in at times.  The fact is that life is often quite stressful and consequently we are often going to be quite stressed.  This fact will be discussed more in a future blog which will address a second fundamental skill of stress management—distress tolerance; or the ability to live with and/or not be overwhelmed with the distress that life throws our way from time to time—i.e., the ability to accept (no reject, bottle up, escape, repress, etc.) it (life, and the good, bad, and ugly aspects of life).  One can see how this second fundamental skill—distress tolerance, or the ability to accept or tolerate (not reject) the “sh-t” that comes our way in life, is built substantially on the first more fundamental skill I have been talking about, that is, accepting (this does not mean liking) whatever is happening in the present (good or bad) in as open and/or non-judgmental manner as possible.

As oversimplified as this may come across, it can help to constantly try to build up this very fundamental stress management skill–being totally focused in the present moment in as non-judgmental and accepting way as one can.  Essentially, one is practicing a way of ” being in the world”, a way of being more accepting, non-judgmental, open, flexible, tolerant of things being different than how you might like or expect them to be.  You develop the ability to take life as it comes to you rather than insisting it be your way or the highway.

A very simple technique in this regard is to just focus on one’s breathing.  One can get totally absorbed and present-focused in one’s breathing.  This is an essential ingredient of meditation, which has been shown to be a very effective stress management practice.  One’s breath is a very simple stimulus to be non-judgmental and accepting toward.  It is pretty benign and as about as basic and health an activity one can focus on.  When you think about it, nothing, absolutely nothing is as precious as breathing.  But, it’s not what you are focusing on that counts; it’s the way you are doing it.  It can be anything—classical music, a massage, a sunset, yoga, the rain, the ocean, trees, the countryside, the sky,  a good meal, a good wine, love-making, anything.  The idea is to focus on something right now in the present in a very intense and absorbed way.  To fully be alive in this moment.  The idea is you are building a skill, the skill of being totally present focused, accepting, and nonjudgmental in the moment, the essential mental ingredients of feeling less stressed.  As you build these skills at being more accepting (less rejecting) and non-judgmental, and more present focused (i.e., tolerant of what is, good or bad) of somewhat simple things like one’s breathing, one will be more skilled at accepting, tolerating, or being able to accommodate to the more difficult aspects of life.  The beauty of a simple behavior like breathing to focus on to develop one’s present-focused, accepting, non-judgmental skills, is that it is so portable—i.e., you can and do take it with you wherever you go.  When highly stressful circumstances hit you, and you feel you are about to lose it, you can always step back and focus on your breathing (or anything else in the moment in an accepting, non-judgmental manner) and it should help.

The bottom line recommendation from this blog is to build into your life opportunities to focus on the moment; to let go of the past and present, to let go of worries and concerns, practicing being accepting and non-judgmental of whatever is happening.  It’s all life.  It’s all precious.  It’s all what is (vs. what you’d like it to be), and you simply can’t do better than that.  Work on your ability to accept (and not reject with “I can’t stand itism”) what is–to not only accept it, but to treasure it.  Embrace life; all of it.  Begin by focusing on your breath and build from there.

Written by:  Robert Wilson