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When You Have To Hurt To Feel

UnchastityIntellectually, we all know that we should not house hurting feelings. If you are over the age of thirty or, perhaps, even younger, you are probably saying:

[quote]“I wrote the damn book on harboring hurt feelings.”[/quote]

And before you men click on the little X up top, I am not saying that hurt feelings are exclusive to women. I am saying this is a universal ailment that every man, woman, child, and animal has felt as some point in their lives.

Everyone looks at February as the month of love. And you are right.  February is seen as the month of love.  We have to consider love issues as part of that discussion.

While love can be a glorious feeling, most of us who have really lived, are no strangers to the pain that love can cause. Many of us were not lucky enough to meet our soulmate on the first pull of the slot machine of love. And whilst others were, life got in the way and it may have caused a rocky road. Whatever your circumstances, you cannot honestly tell me that love has not kicked you in the teeth a few times. You might be one of the lucky ones who recovered without any emotional scars. The truth is that most of us have some emotional scars in our love closets.
Love lost

Like some of you, I don’t fall in love easily. But, when I fall in love, it is with my entire heart and soul. Have you seen the movie “The Way We Were” starring Robert Redford and Barbra Streisand? This is a beautiful movie about love, soulmates, and life getting in the way. In the movie, there is scene where he tells her that when she loves, she loves deaf, dumb, and blind. I am that girl! When I love, I love deaf, dumb, and blind until I am forced to see, hear, and acknowledge that things just aren’t working. I have not loved a lot of people in my life. Since we are talking about true love, I want to clarify: I mean heart emotions. This is not about sexual tension and desire. I have loved very few. But, when I have loved and lost my heart I ached for a very long time. I could not imagine life without my lost love. Have you been there?

Somebody will miss the valentineThe Heartbreak of Love

When you break up with someone, all your friends have advice for you. You know how it goes. When you are in pain, everyone wants to show you they, too, have been down there–like it’s an exclusive club for only the heartbroken. We all know that when you are hurting, advice is as welcome as stepping in dog poo with your new Gucci sandals . You just want to tell the person to go &%*&^( off. But, if you are a kind person, you listen to what they have to say and remind yourself to block their number for a few weeks. Here are some “helpfu” things those advice-givers have to say: “It is not your fault!” “Your relationship was just bad timing.” “You all just started off on the wrong foot.” “We knew from the beginning you were not right for each other.” or “You were too good for him or her.”

Although perhaps well-intentioned, their “advice” does not help. Regardless of the real reason that you are no longer together or the relationship failed, what you really need is time to heal. You just broke up with someone you called every day, you held hands with, you made love to, and you cried with. You LOVED him or her! The emotions are raw. There is no advice in the world that will help. Only time can help you heal.

When I break up with someone, I cannot breathe. My chest hurts. I curl up. I just want to crawl into a hole and lick my emotional wounds. I am not saying that we did not need to break up. I am saying that I just feel like a piece of me has died. And if you feel that way, you are correct. A piece of you has died. Maybe for the better! But, the hurt is still the same. If you are in love or in a committed situation, you cannot get out of it without feeling the wrath of heartbreak. And heartbreak is a mood killer to say the least.

Kryptonite handWhen You Hurt To Feel

Do you know people who just don’t seem to recover from the heartbreak? We have all met people like that. You know the ones that I am talking about. Five, ten, fifteen, even twenty years later, they still are not in a committed relationship. Then there are the ones who decided to play it safe and marry someone they knew would never hurt them. They did not marry for love, so they are bitter and pissed off at the Love God for doing them wrong. People like this are like Kryptonite to someone who wants to be in love. “Love never lasts!” they claim pessimistically. “He might be rocking your world right now but just wait,” they say smugly. “All women lie, scheme and cheat!” they accuse.

Every adult has run into the Kryptonite of love. The person might be your mother, father, best friend, your boss, or just some bitter old stranger that you met on the street. These people are easy to recognize because you can see the black hole in their heart. These are the people that need to hurt to feel. They have cut themselves off from the joys of life and now they need to tear down your love or visions of love. This gives them a sense of purpose.

Signs you are Hurting to Feel

There are some people who are content with their lives. But no one really wants to be alone. If we could choose the right person, most of us will readily give love a go–unless you have dug your heels in and decided that you are going to be the Kryptonite of love.

In relationships, all love has its trials and tribulations. You cannot help it. It’s all part of being in love. When you put two people in a relationship, they are rarely going to feel, think alike and complement each other twenty-four hours a day, three hundred and sixty-five days of the year. So there is going to be conflict. In most cases, lovers will eventually work out the conflict and grow with each other. In other cases, unfortunately, that does not happen. The result is anger, resentment, and hurt feelings. These start to build up to the point that you can no longer feel unless you are hurting someone else or you are being hurt. Part of the reason that you might be hurting someone else is because you cannot hurt the object of your hurt feelings. You’ve been put in an impossible situation.
Couple having an argument while watching TV

If you are in a relationship and you have stopped trusting, communicating without name calling, and/or arguing, or you are always critizing your partner, you might be in a relationship where you are hurting to feel.

Ways to Combat This

We have all been in these situations. You did not write the book on hurting. You might have your own little special chapter in it. But, there are a few other authors that have contributed. If you are saying: “This might be me!” right now, you need to recognize what you are doing and acknowledge it. We cannot heal without first admitting there is a problem. I always say: Communicate with your partner. In some cases, I understand that this is easier said than done. If you have gotten to a point where you cannot communicate with your partner, you need to seek a neutral person to intervene in this situation. If you both agree that you don’t want to do that, you have to decide why you are still together. Being in a situation that is unfair and sad, is not living a full life. So think about it: Are you are in a situation where you have to hurt to feel? Are you in the best situation? Are you living your best life?

Always Believe in Yourself, Cynthia

About cynthiatw


  1. Hi Cynthia,

    I recently read your blogpost on worst Valentine’s Day gifts and we’d love for you to join us as a guest via webcam on a 30-minute discussion HuffPost Live is hosting today (2/11/2013) at 5pm EST. Would you be interested in participating? If so, please email me at felicia.kelley@huffingtonpost.com and I’d more than happy to provide you with further details.


  2. It’s so true Cynthia that no 2 people will feel the same about everything and disagreements are bound to happen. It’s how you handle them that matters. And if done right, making up can be fun!
    Lisa recently posted…Win Lingerie For Valentine’s DayMy Profile

  3. Hi Cynthia:

    Great post. Thanks for reminding us all of the importance of communication in a relationship. I second what you and Karen have said. May I just add another point? Communication is a two-way street. A friend is married to a lawyer who was shocked at their first counselling session to discover that his wife thought their communication consisted of HIS talking and HER listening. From there on they began to talk and listen to one another.
    glennon recently posted…Weekend Inspiration My Profile

    • Hi Gail,
      I think a lot of us especially when we are young and still learning who we are as people have problems with communication. I know that as I have grown up, I am able to now communicate effectively and not just assume and get my feelings hurt.

      I think that a lot of people especially professions like lawyer and doctors would be surprised at how ineffective they are at communicating. I know that happens a lot in my relationship. I can spend an hour listening sometimes. I think that happens alot. And when that happens it sometimes leads to that other topic, the emotional cheating because everyone needs to feel they are in a relationship with someone at different levels.
      cynthiatw recently posted…EmpowerMy Profile

  4. I agree that there is more to a relationship than hurting. In fact, the healthiest relationships are those that COMMUNICATE during and after a disagreement. Thanks for bringing up this topic.

    Karen recently posted…Running A RaceMy Profile

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